Dear every kid who wears those stupid roller-skate sneakers

Dear every kid who wears those stupid roller-skate sneakers,

Listen up you future burden of society. Take the time out of your myspace filled day to get briefed on the colasal cancer you are on the testicles of society. Obviously if you wear those stupid fucking shoes you either have no parents, or you suck so bad they have written you off like a bad debt. A 13 year old boy is in his own fucking way half the time so the last thing he needs is his unwashed hair in his face, baggy fucking pants with about 42 pockets, and a pair of shoes with wheels in the heel. These shoes serve no purpose other than to invite other kids (preferably the kids who play sports) to kick your ass. I cannot wait for the first accidental death to occur in the school hallway. I will even sit through the after school special and the 2 hour twenty-twenty.

Take my advice. Get a fucking haircut, lose the Bad Religion long sleeve T-Shirt, and find some decent fucking shoes to wear. You obviously can’t look up to your parents so pick a new role model. Just promise me it’s not that red haired snow boarder guy. This guy is a clown on his best day. Snowboarding is not a real sport, he is going no where, and his next job will probably be Carrot Top cover band. I know you think he’s cool but in 1989 we thought Buddy from Charles in Charge was cool. I’ve been there and had role models become exposed. Do you think it’s easy for me to look at my Neil Patrick Harris poster every night after I learned it was all just a closeted charade? Take my advice and clean yourself up. But hey, if living in your parent’s basement, beating off to Spice between the lines, and leafing through High Times magazine while you warm up your dinner of Ramen noodles in your Hot Pot sounds like the life for you, then keep the shoes.