Dear Any girl who thinks it might be a good idea to join the football team

Dear any girl who thinks it might be a good idea to join the football team,

Please listen to me and listen well. I am here to help avoid the impending train wreck that is guaranteed to result from you being the member of an all male football team. A woman playing football[1] ranks right below lighting your own farts while at the gas pump on the Spectrum of Bad Ideas. You have boobies – that’s cool. You can have babies – that’s cool as well. You can’t complete a 20 yard out cut because you float the ball and the corner will take it back for 6. – That is not cool. I know most chicks don’t try to play QB. They try to play one of two positions. The first is kicker. The kicker is the joke of the team even when it’s a dude. For a woman to be the kicker, it’s just asking for trouble, not to mention a boatload of missed field goals and a strong inclination to always go for two. I know you might be able to kick. You might even be able to kick better than 95% of most guys. The problem is a football team doesn’t need 95% of its players making field goals. They need one guy, preferably foreign and most definitely weird, to make those field goals. The other position that girls play, mostly in high school, is “standard fat-person backup lineman”. You know, like third team long snapper or scout team guard. A roster spot that could easily be filled by a tackling dummy with an eye-black smiley face painted on it.

There are three reasons why a girl would want to play football. The first is what I like to call the “Natalie”[2] clause. Your 6’1” 250 pounds and the only way to make yourself feel better is to throw on some shoulder pads and pretend that other little fat girls will choose you as their role model. The second is the “Daddy doesn’t love me” clause. You never got the love you needed from your father and your step-father went so far as to ask you to your own prom. When you got older, you had one of two choices. You’re hot but can’t figure out how to work a stripper pole so might as well join the football team and wait for the entire D-Line to fill you out like an application one day underneath the bleachers. The third is the “K.D. Lang” clause. You basically are a dude. You like chicks, bowling, and the possibility of one day growing your very own moustache. You think that playing with boys will help you fit in. You also get all hot and bothered over the message you think you’ll be sending for woman’s rights advocates all over the country.

Now that you have figured out which category of “stupid bitch” you fall into, let’s try to rectify the situation. If you’re a Natalie, give up the dream. No little girl will look up to you for standing around for three hours a day in shoulder pads. They sure as hell won’t look up to you when you finally get some reps in practice and the whole team tries to hold in an awkward laugh as your three point stance comes complete with a whale-like grunt and two inches of crack. My advice to you, hang up the pads and come to grips with your low self esteem. Get a therapist, a treadmill, or a rack of lamb. I don’t care what you do, just don’t try and make yourself feel better at the expense of 60 other guys who are working their asses off to win football games. Winning isn’t everything but it sure as hell is more important than the after school special bullshit you’re trying to infect some team with.[3]

If you are a “Daddy doesn’t love me” girl, that’s OK too. I don’t see any reason to have to join a football team to get treated like a kill rag in a fraternity house. Try cheerleading, or field hockey. Trust me; those girls get the attention they deserve.[4] Guys will always respect the fact that you are a slut no matter if you’re wearing shoulder pads or a pair of spandex shorts that say “juicy” across the ass. Don’t bring your Springer circus to a locker room on your campus. Save it for family court or therapy.

If you’re the “K.D. Lang” girl, at least I have a shade of respect for you. At least we are both into the ladies. Listen, don’t for one minute think that being a tackling dummy or a publicity stunt will help you fit in or send some sort of woman’s right message. What it will do is make people like me fire up tirades like this and make regular Lesbians uncomfortable. Making an extra point[5] at the tail end of a blowout will not liberate someone to come out of the closet or get woman invited to be members of Augusta National. It will get a back page story in the local newspaper, a 15 second spot on ESPN, and it will get you filled out like an application under the bleachers. The guy who writes for the paper will spell your name wrong, you’ll miss the TV spot because you’ll be all hopped up on Michelob’s and parliament lights, and the gang bang under the bleachers wont be the least bit enjoyable because the whole reason you’re here is that you like chicks. Do us all a favor and stay off the gridiron and join another bowling team.

I hope I have laid out a logical argument[6] to help dissuade you from ever joining a football team.

The only pads you should ever wear are kept under your bathroom sink,

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[1] Football means ALL MALE FOOTBALL. Female football is just soccer with the wrong ball

[2] From the “Facts of Life”

[3] Lombardi didn’t say this but he would have if he ever saw a chick trying to play football

[4] Roofied, raped, and dropped off in the parking lot of an abandoned grocery store parking lot.

[5] Even your own teammates were rooting for you to miss it.

[6] Impossible because trying to get a woman to understand logic is like getting a monkey to play Nintendo