Dear Keith Whyte (executive director of the National Council on Problem Gambling),

So, I see you have nothing better to do with your time then stick your nose into other people’s business. I recently read an article from your council (code word for colossal waste of government money) and am writing to you because I feel you owe me 5 minutes of my life back. It makes me sick that you even have an audience to your self righteous blasphemy. It makes me so sick that I don’t even know if I am going to be able to finish this online poker game I am in the middle of. In case you forgot about the crap you penned I have include some excerpts from your last case of keyboard diarrhea.

With poker in particular, Whyte says, people "think their skill is going to trump the random outcome of the game, and that is a very dangerous thing." "The less able they are to understand odds or randomness, or the more control you believe you have over random events, the more likely you are to have a problem gambling," he says.

First things first. Your name is misspelled. White is spelled as I just wrote it. It contains an “I” not a “Y”. Never has and never will! Who do you think you are some late 80’s heavy metal band? Give me a break with that spelling.
Second, trying to refute the fact that poker is a skill game is ridiculous. How do you think that Phil Helmuth and Doyle Brunson got rich playing poker? Are they just two of the luckiest dudes around? You should try thinking about what you say before you open your pie-hole.

In the United States, gamblers lost $2.8 million in Internet poker in 2003.

Are you serious? God I hope you’re a good looking dude because you sure as hell are a stupid son of a bitch. We’ll do this slowly. If people lost $2.8 million playing internet poker, then other people WON $2.8 million playing internet poker. Where is the fucking problem in that? So some people lost money to other people. Call it a stupid tax for sucking at poker. You should probably pony up some stupid tax yourself for the crap you say not to mention picking the all time biggest buzz kill of a job. What’s in line for the rest of your career? Are you hoping for that big promotion to the National Council on Problem Drinking Beer and Hanging Out With Your Friends? Or maybe you want to be the spokesperson for the Coalition Against Steak and Martini’s.
Why are you all up in arms over 2.8 million dollars. That means ALL THE PEOPLE IN AMERICA who lost money playing poker can’t even afford a decent shortstop.
Look man, next time you both your buddies are hanging out drinking non-alcoholic beer and playing pin the “H” on the omo, take a good long look at how bad you suck. It’s not too late to change. Remove the stick from your ass, relax, and for Christ sake, keep you nose out of other people business. I mean is problem gambling really a worthy cause to spend a career fighting? Kids are starving on the streets and women are being battered in their own homes but god forbid I have a little fun wagering on something via the internet. Good life you chose for yourself asshole. Keith Whyte: Anti-Gambling but Pro-Domestic Violence.

It’s a safe bet you suck,

Dear Cindy Sheehan

Dear Cindy,

Your “crusade” is by far the most misguided and counterproductive escapade in recent memory. On the surface, it is hard to gain validity when your high profile backers are crazy haired lunatic and Tawana Brawley conspirator Al Sharpton and folk singer Joan Baez. Beneath the surface, it’s hard to gain respect when your marriage is failing and your mother recently suffered a stroke.
The timing of your “Bus Trip” couldn’t be more hypocritical. I have a novel idea. You want to help and save lives? Then drive those busses to the gulf coast and help people get evacuated. People who have nothing, people who lost everything. Poor people. Something you obviously know nothing about because you apparently don’t have to work. You have the free time to bother our president and rally up jobless hippies from across America and camp out all night. That’s real productive. Maybe if America wasn’t full of hypocritical freeloaders like you and your supporters, then the rest of the world wouldn’t hate us so much. Then maybe there would be no need for the war on terror. So take solace in knowing that you, and your hemp wearing idiots who add nothing to society but diarrhea of the mouth, are part of the reason your son is dead. Your kind, those who use every civil liberty given to them to the fullest extend, tend to forget where these liberties come from. These liberties come from the fortitude and sacrifices of our service men and woman. People like my grandfather and your son. Real heroes that give you the ability to bitch and moan about our president and me the freedom to express my displeasure in what you do. The difference between people like you and me is that I understand the need to be preemptive in the quest for peace and safety. This may come as a shock to you, but peace with the Middle East will not be achieved by sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya with Joan Baez. No matter how many rhyming prayers the Rev. Sharpton blurts out, the radical fundamentalist of the Middle East will still hate us. They will still recruit people who have no problem sacrificing their lives to kill us. Don’t you think the President wants to pull out the troops. If he could he would, but the job is not done. He knows what he is doing. The people in the department of defense know what they are doing. They have the information to make qualified decisions. If another September 11th happens, the President will be responsible for that. He is making sure that we don’t have another 9/11. You are making sure that the radical Islamic fundamentalists know that you guys are a bunch of pussies not willing to take the necessary steps to combat them.
You have become a joke in my mind. Its one thing to waste our country’s resources to gather with your cohorts and blame our President in a counterproductive manner, but it is another to blame him for the hurricane. I read your statements blaming his economic policies for the hurricane. I believe that might be the definition of counter productivity. While people from across the country are on their way to the gulf coast to help, you are pointing fingers. You have transportation and I’d assume a decent stockpile of money. You also have celebrity backing. USE IT YOU HYPORCITICAL COUNTERPRODUCTIVE WIND BAG.
Please come to your senses and stop the insanity.